Yesterday was perhaps one of the most challenging days of my life so far. As many of you know, my life has been wracked by a series of quite devastating challenges the last few months, which I have documented on this blog. The motivations and reasons for these events still largely remain unclear to me at the moment, despite my best efforts to discover and resolve them.
My daily meditations have been focusing on these challenges, attempting to empathise with those who seek to try to hurt me, and showing compassion and unconditional forgiveness for them. And for myself. I am incredibly thankful to be in a space where I get the opportunity to do this.
Yesterday, a huge missing piece of this puzzle fell into place. I felt absolutely sick when it came to surface, as it violated almost everything that I stand for. Dark thoughts that I had under control became to surface again, and the last 24 hours have been exceptionally difficult. Having to recount emotional times from your past, many years after you thought they were just history, is painful, and my heart felt like it was being carved apart by a thousand knives.
Through my meditations today, while recovering from this, I focused more on hoping that those who are hurt and being hurtful towards me can find the strength and support that they need to resolve whatever it is that plagues them. I will not pretend that much of this evil does not directly and deeply affect me, I'm not a robot, and indeed quite sensitive to the pain of others. Simply ignoring it or pretending it doesn't exist is not going to fix anything though. I have, as a result of this new puzzle piece, sadly been forced to begin relevant legal processes, beginning with civil attempts at mediation. Justice will emerge, in one form or another.
A few months ago, I posted about trying to find meaning during these emotionally challenging episodes. What are the lessons to learn. What are the opportunities for growth. Today, a special passage in the book I am reading, Fire in the Soul, stood out to me. I post these sorts of messages here in the hopes that sometimes, they might be useful for others who might be in similar and challenging situations.
I know that we cannot control the universe. Despite our best efforts, difficult circumstances still arise. We are always learning, always growing, always hitting against the walls of our self-made cages as the urge to freedom swells within our breasts. And if we remember that the power of love supports us and that seen and unseen helpers will emerge whenever we pray for assistance, we will find the courage to free ourselves from the bonds of the past. Jane Borysenko.
Yet again, love is the lesson. I cannot describe it too well at the moment, but often now it does feel like a little "spirit" dances by my side, when I am in a relaxed state. I feel her when I focus on my heart, and she reminds me everything is going to be okay in the end, with music in her voice. Breathe, focus, we are right here with you. It's going to be okay.